2010

Looking back 2010 is easily the most successful year I've had - well, maybe the most accomplished. Here are the highlights in kind of chronological order, but not always.

I lost 68 pounds. I started the year at 297 pounds and am closing the year at 229 pounds. p90x may very well have saved me from hating myself more and more each day. Losing that much weight certainly brought an increase to my confidence. And it brought me a happiness I never thought I'd find. Go figure.

I took a vacation for myself. For the first time, I went somewhere I wanted to go without an agenda or person to visit. I took the train to Seattle in May and found a part of myself I didn't know existed: a selfishness, a desire for happiness, a need to live for me. A door opened that I couldn't close. Living for my happiness and purpose has proven amazing and beautiful.

I discovered purpose. I found what it is I want to do for the rest of my life: I want to open a bakery. I want to befriend the community. I want to be a place where everyone feels welcomed and loved; where they feel like family. That's important to me.

I discovered I had a heart. And it's the year I opened myself back up to my heart. I have no regrets.

I started dating. After years of internal and religious struggle with who I am, I opened myself up to the possibility that I could love someone and be loved in return. It was a fairly bumpy adventure that I was able to withdraw a few humorous anecdotes from, and it certainly isn't over; but 2010 is going out much more promising than how it came in.

I quit my job to pursue my own interests. I felt guilty and selfish when I came home from my vacation in Seattle and put my notice in at work - my four month notice, I should add; you know, in order for them to find my replacement and get him hired and in role, etc. I felt like I was letting everyone down by pursuing my happiness. But through the process I learned a little about myself.

I was laid off work two weeks before my notice was complete. So with that, I collected unemployment and used that as my springboard to move across the country - 2000 miles away.

I took a three month sabbatical from working. And it was the best thing I have ever done. I moved to Seattle, acclimated myself to the city and people, and allowed myself to enjoy who I was discovering me to be. It really has been the most refreshing time of my life and has allowed me to focus on me.

I made the best cupcake I have ever tasted. And the best cupcake the reviewer of my cupcake has ever had; it was received gloriously. From what I understand people are still angry that the "[cute], gay cupcake maker' is no longer employed at Uncle Cheetah's Soup Shop. (I added the [cute] part because I am quite sure someone must have thought I was cute... Maybe not, but this is my blog after all and I'll think what I will, thank you very much.) It confirmed that I should be making pastries. (To read the review, click here.)

I decided it was time for a change. I moved to a strange city, a strange climate, and surrounded myself with strange people. I moved from the comforts of my friends and family - the people I love and trust; people who loved and accepted me despite my faults and inadequacies - to a beautiful and wondrous city 2000 miles away from my hometown.

I accepted loneliness as a temporary companion. I enjoyed a most beautiful and hauntingly lonely Christmas. I discovered how a thoughtful gift from a friend can make her, 2000 miles away, reach out, grab my hand, kiss my cheek, and make my heart soar and beat in agonizing fondness. I realized home is where your heart is. I learned how excruciatingly painful it is to be alone on Christmas and I vow that no one I know will ever have to endure that. I found that a simple ten minute conversation can change my outlook and provide a way to feel grounded, grateful, and not so alone.

I found hope and comfort in what I hope to become traditions. Pictures of the city in all four "seasons." Visiting the Sculpture Park on blustery days. Walking Ravenna Park and being in complete awe of the towering pines. Riding the bus and gaping at the mountains. Attending a Christmas Eve candlelight Lessons and Carols. Smiling at strangers. Thanking the bus driver.

I decided to make myself better for me and for others. I learned sentiment and emotion are separate notions. I learned to reopen my heart and realized tenderness is something I will never forget about again. I learned what it means to forgive myself. I learned what it means to forgive my past. I learned what it means to forgive my enemy. I learned to forgive others. I learned that no matter who you are, you are always deserving of love.

It's the year I uncovered the years of grime of who I thought I was and found who I really am. So far I like what I've unearthed.

2010 was the year I vowed to live for my happiness. 2011 is the year I vow to continue living for myself. And also for others.